Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
