You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
