last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
So is that a yes?