if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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