i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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