he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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