can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
