I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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