just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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