some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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