"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
