Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
