if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
