Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
