New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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