i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
