I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
