I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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