I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
