I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
pop tarts are not kleenex
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i believe in u and ur pee
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize