i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
