Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
