I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
