How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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