I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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