Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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