i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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