did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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