I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
