i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
