Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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