wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I think I just sharted jello shots
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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