I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Randomize