What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
