I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
