wrigley field is MILF paradise
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You dont lie about slip and slides
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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