I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
