you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
