My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
