so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
