you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
