I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
