You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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