It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
