I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
