that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
