I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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