i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
