i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
