I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
