Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
