I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
