I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
