i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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