I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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