Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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